I don’t see the point in existing anymore. I just think I’d be happier being nothing and lifeless, than being nothing yet alive.
I don’t like what I see in people, people I love and the people all over. I don’t like what I see in the country around me. I don’t like what I see in myself either. I don’t like that the world is full of hate, and that the great philosophers who survived, expect me to accept that nothing can be done about it. I don’t like that people are so self-serving, and that no matter what we do, serving ourselves is in our nature and in the nature of nature itself. I don’t like that I cannot enjoy the beauty of the universe for what it is, because I am not strong or wise enough.
I do not like the corruption, the hatred, the malice, the spite. I do not like all the pettifogging matters that everyone believes they must focus on, when they miss out on the true meanings and values of things. I am tired of being human, and in being so, tainting everything I touch with my selfish nature and my corruption.
I do not like being depressed anymore, and having to hide it or having it misunderstood. I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to be jokey anymore because I feel dead inside, and then to have that levity rejected in repugnance.
I am tired of loving and hating at the same time. I am tired of being torn between resignation and the desire to fight.
I have just decided that this world isn’t for me, and that it’s not my cup of tea.
I just don’t know anymore.